Neon Genesis Evanjelly
by Firebird31179
Summary: The government claims that it was meteor. NERV says it was an Angel. But they lied. What is the real cause of Second Impact?Why is Rei moonwalking? Most of these questions are answered in Neon Genesis Evanjelly.R&R NO FLAMES PLZ PG13 just in case.
1. A Phone Call

::::Disclaimer::: I do not, I repeat, do not own Evangelion. Otherwise I'd be extremely rich, which would be nice, and then I'd buy myself a house or two, a cool car.do I really have to go into the details?  
  
Note: I just want to say thanks to my friend Chandler for coming up with some ideas for the story! Author's Rant: Ah yes.the famous author's rant. Well, the idea for this fanfic actually came when I was standing in a really long line to pay for my food at school. My friend was right next to me, and we were talking about anime we liked. I was going to say, "Evangelion is one of my favorites." Somehow, that came out as "Evanjelly-on is one of my favorites." From then on, my friend and I called Evangelion "Evanjelly", and the name inspired me to write a story about Evanjelly. Now read the story before I command my army of rabid monkeys to attack you! And remember to review after. No flames though. Or else my army of rabid monkeys and my rabid squirrel army will come to get you while you are sleeping.Have a nice day! ^_^ One last thing: Sorry if the characters go out of character. And I'm sorry if there's a story out there like this one. I don't mean to plagiarize, I just didn't know it was out there.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- The government claims that it was meteor. NERV says it was an Angel. But we know better. We know the truth behind the Second Impact. The thing that caused, it was horrible. Really horrible. And now.the Jellies are back!  
  
::::::Neon Genesis Evanjelly:::::: A Phone Call::::::  
  
It had been a while since the Angels were defeated. Now Tokyo-3 was a happy place where everybody had random outbreaks of singing. And the worst thing was.they were singing about love and peace.  
"Hmm, it's really stuffy in here," Misato said to herself. She then opened a window and took a deep breath. "Ah, fresh air!"  
Asuka, who a minute ago was calmly reading a book for school, was now running towards the window, screaming. "AH! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" At first, Misato didn't understand what was the matter. Then, she heard a strange chanting outside. She listened carefully. It only took hearing "I love you/ you love me/ we're a happy family" before Misato forcefully shut the window.  
"Ugh! This "love and peace" garbage is driving me insane!" Misato yelled. She then looked down and noticed that Asuka was on the floor in a fetal position, rocking back and forth.  
"Think happy thoughts.think happy thoughts," Asuka was saying to herself.  
All of a sudden, the phone rang. Shinji, who was conveniently sitting next to it, picked it up.  
"Hello. Is this Rudy's Pizza?" a voice asked.  
"Um.no?"  
"Oh. Well, is this the Kasturagi residence?"  
"Yes."  
"Well then, it is I, Gendo Ikari, your leader!"  
"Daddy?"  
"Um, no. This is Gendo Ikari. Anyway, I need to speak to Major Katsuragi."  
"Oh, well," Shinji looked around and saw Misato trying to calm Asuka down, "she's kind of.occupied right now."  
"Hmm, I see. Well tell her that I need her, the Third Child, and the Second Child at NERV Headquarters. Go tell her right now so I have a chance to hang up on you without you noticing. Go on. Come on. Go." A really confused Shinji hung up.  
"There is no way I am related to him."  
  
About an hour later, Misato, Asuka, and Shinji were down at Gendo's office. "I have called you three here today to tell you that you are once again needed for NERV. There seems to be a new trouble that we must fight."  
"More Angels?" Shinji asked, his eyes widening.  
"No, turkey. I said a new trouble. Tsk tsk, young people these days. They never listen.Anyway, along with finding a new trouble to fight, we also discovered the true reason why there was a Second Impact."  
"So what's the reason? What's the trouble?" Misato asked.  
"Jelly." Misato, Shinji, and Asuka burst into laughter, while Gendo kept a straight face.  
"So, how did you come across that conclusion?" Misato asked.  
"Well I wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch today. I opened up the fridge to get some jelly. Anyway, it turned out I've been ordering takeout for years so I found a HUGE mold fungus thing. I put on a radioactive protection suit and went to find the source. The jelly that was in my fridge since 1703 grew a radioactive fungus. It seeped through the cracks in the fridge and is now in the sewer system. They are developing into many intelligent jellies!"  
"And how do you know this?" Asuka asked Gendo.  
"I took a sample and studied it. They develop into those intelligent jellies every 15 seconds. One of them attacked my hand. It ate through the radioactive suit and its radioactive abilities made it attack all my cells to turn me into a jelly. Well, I used this untested anti-active liquid. It stopped the jelly from spreading, but it didn't get rid of it. That is the real reason I have a gooey spot in the middle of my right hand. It is not an embryo. I ate that."  
"Wow. That's serious," Shinji said.  
"Yes it is. And that's why I need you, Third Child, and you Second Child. I have already talked to the First Child and told her to help me. She agreed without hesitation."  
"Gee, I wonder why," Asuka murmured.  
"So, will you help me?" Gendo asked Asuka and Shinji.  
"I guess," Asuka sighed. Shinji nodded.  
"Now, what about the cause of Second Impact?" Misato asked.  
"Ah yes. We soon learned that in the year 2000, there was an old man that lived on a little remote island somewhere near Japan. He too had ordered a lot of take out in his life and his fridge too had radioactive mold all over it. The radioactive jelly escaped and traveled all the way to Antarctica. When the humans found one and mistook it for God, the jelly got 'mad' and starting attacking them. Then Second Impact happened. It wiped out most of humanity, as well as all of.all of.jellyanity."  
"Is that a real word?" Shinji asked.  
"Hush foolish boy! So, all of the jellies were wiped out. But no, we couldn't have peace, so the jelly in my fridge grew the same radioactive fungus. And now the Evangelion pilots must battle these jellies or else humanity is destroyed. And this time I mean it. Not like last time where we actually lived. Do you understand?" Asuka and Shinji nodded. "Okay, well that was it. You can go now."  
As the three were walking out of Gendo's office, Gendo smiled and waved at them. "Bye bye!" This made them quicken their pace. 


	2. The Dancing Queen

::Disclaimer:: As all of you should know by now, I am not Anno, ok? Therefore I do not own Evangelion, which would be nice as I could torture Shinji anytime I feel like it. Of course Hikari and Asuka will go down with him. Mwahaha.  
  
NOTE TIME: I would like to thank my reviewers (they like me, they really like me!), my friend Chandler for helping me out with ideas for the story, Katie for teaching me how to upload chapters, Anno and Gainax for creating Eva, and thank you, interpretive dance people from the 4th grade (long story)! People, I just want to tell you that I am in a really hyper/happy mood right now. It could have been the noodles I had for lunch today, but who cares anyway?!  
  
Author's Rant: Please read and review and no flames! Smokey the Bear says, "Only you can help prevent forest fires!" And again I would like to thank my wonderful reviewers! Sorry if the characters go out of character. And I'm sorry if there's a story on Fanfiction.net like this one. I don't mean to plagiarize, I just didn't know it was out there. And remember: Don't drink and drive.  
  
::::Neon Genesis Evanjelly:::The Dancing Queen:::  
  
The hands on Shinji's watch were moving extremely slowly that day. Poor Shinji. He had absolutely nothing to do after he came back from Gendo's office. He couldn't play video games or watch TV. Misato was watching her stupid soap operas with Asuka. He couldn't listen to music. Asuka threw his CD player out the window. He couldn't read any books. Asuka burned them all. Poor Shinji. The little wimp got what he deserved. Then, an idea popped into Shinji's head. I know! I'll go out for a walk, and by "coincidence" go to Rei's apartment to visit her! Shinji ran to the door, put his shoes on, and shouted, "Misato, I'm going on a walk, okay?"  
  
"Sure, Shinji. Whatever," Misato, whose eyes were glued to the TV, replied. Shinji ran out, slamming the door behind him. Eventually, Shinji found himself outside Rei's building. I mean, he has to, or else the story wouldn't continue but instead would end right here. He entered and went upstairs. When Shinji walked into the hallway on the floor where Rei's apartment was, he heard a noise coming from behind one of the doors. It sounded a lot like really loud 80's music. Must be one of Rei's wacky neighbors, Shinji thought to himself. He walked to Rei's door and turned the knob. What he saw inside was more than his eyes and brain could bear. There was the blue haired half-Angel, wearing black shoes, a suit, and a black bowler. Another thing hit Shinji. Rei was moonwalking. Not only moonwalking, but she was moonwalking to the music of the person who invented the moonwalk. Yes. She was dancing to Michael Jackson. Shinji screamed. Rei, in response to Shinji's scream, screamed back. Shinji then fainted.  
  
Shinji opened his eyes. He was lying on the floor and Rei was sitting next to him, wearing normal clothes now. "I am sorry if that frightened you, Shinji," she said. "Hey, no problem." Shinji sat up and rubbed his head. "Is there any particular reason you came here and surprised me like that?" "Well, I just thought I might visit you while I was taking my walk." "Mhm." And then there was silence. Don't you hear the crickets? Don't you?!  
  
"Uh, I think I'll go now," Shinji said as he stood up. "Goodbye then."  
  
"Ok, bye." Shinji walked over to the door and opened it. Then he waved at Rei and walked out.  
  
Oh yeah, I am THE MAN! She is SOOO into me! Shinji thought to himself.  
  
That little pest interrupted my special dance time. Now I have to go straight into fish interpretive dance hour. Grr.he will pay!!!!!! Rei thought to herself. Right then, some of Rei's clones walked out of a closet and tried to make an octopus-type figure together. On his walk home, Shinji saw another shocking, but not surprising thing. He saw Gendo walk out of a store called Kitty's Boutique wearing a fluffy pink dress with lots of bows and too much make up. It actually suited him quite well, but that's not the point.  
  
Sorry this chapter was shorter than the first. I couldn't come up with anything else that revolved around this chapter's theme. Hopefully next chapter will be longer. ^_^ 


	3. Jelly AttackThe Truth About PlugsuitsFun...

::::Disclaimer:::: You know the story. Don't own the show. But I do own Kitty's Boutique. Or the one I made up in my mind anyway.If there is a real Kitty's Boutique, I apologize for taking the name. Even though I am not intending to plagiarize.  
  
NOTE TIME: Thank you to all of my reviewers for reviewing! (Asuka: Duh! What else could they do? Asuka, shut up. You're really annoying me now.) Thank you to Icedragon541 for helping out with ideas, Anno and Gainax for creating the series, the creators of SD Gundam for creating the idea of fun size Gundams (even though it is the most evil show ever) and Toji for being my personal slave. Toji: She pays me a lot of money to do this! (It's actually fake Monopoly money.but he doesn't know that since I don't think they play Monopoly in Tokyo-3.)  
  
Author's Rant: Please read and review and no flames! Firemen have lives too ya know, they can't be putting out fires every waking moment of their lives! Sorry if the characters go out of character. And I'm sorry if there's a story on Fanfiction.net like this one. I don't mean to plagiarize, I just didn't know it was out there. If I have random outbreaks of.er..hyperness and randomness.blame it on the sushi I had for lunch.  
  
::::Neon Genesis Evanjelly:::Jelly Attack/The Truth About Plugsuits/Fun Size Eva:::  
  
Shinji walked past his father without saying a single word to him. My dad, at Kitty's Boutique? What is the world coming to? Shinji thought to himself. But then, a sudden feeling of curiosity came over him. Maybe I'll just go in there for a moment. Just to "check it out."  
Shinji stepped into the store. Everything was pink. Pink wallpaper. Pink carpet. Pink lights. Pink clothes racks. Pink cosmetics counters. The only thing that wasn't pink was the vanilla Shinji smelled in the air. "Ergh! This smell is making me sick!" Shinji said to himself. He attempted to hold his breath several times, in order to block out the offensive odor. But soon Shinji remembered something he had learned in science class; humans need to breathe in order to stay alive.  
Shinji started breathing again and then caught sight of a thong display. "Ooooh.thongs," he smiled mischievously. "And they're pink with leopard print, too." Shinji came closer to the display, when he heard-  
  
"BAKA! HENTAI! (some German words.as if it wasn't obvious enough a few seconds ago who this was)," somebody from behind yelled loudly into his left ear.  
  
Shinji turned around to see the Second Child. "Oh, er, hi, Asuka. I was just, uh.looking at the display." Asuka's face was now the color of her plugsuit. In slow motion, Shinji saw a hand coming toward him. Right before everything went dark, he heard himself say, "Sorry, Asuka!"  
  
"Wakie wakie, sleepy head," a voice said. Shinji opened his eyes. There was Gendo, smiling at him. Shinji screamed.  
Gendo sighed. "I try to bond with him and he starts screaming as if somebody is running after him with a knife. Or a gun. Some kind of weapon."  
  
Once Shinji had calmed down, he looked around and saw that he was in Gendo's office, with Asuka and Rei. "Finally, he woke up!" Asuka said. "I didn't hit him that hard!"  
"Why did you hit Ikari?" Rei asked.  
"He was at Kitty's Boutiqe and he was staring at the new pink thong display."  
"The pink ones with leopard print?"  
"Uh huh."  
  
"Pervert."  
"Look, I was shopping for my girlfriend!" Shinji exclaimed.  
  
"Girlfriend? You? HA!" Asuka laughed. "Who would want to date you?"  
"That's not it," Rei said. "He is saying that if he had a girlfriend,  
he would buy her pink thongs with leopard print."  
  
"EWWW! HENTAI!" A second later, Shinji had a red hand print on  
his left cheek. He looked very pissed  
  
"OH YEAH?! WELL WHO WOULD WANT TO DATE YOU, YOU GERMAN-"  
  
"AHEM!" Everyone froze and looked at Gendo. "Now if you'll let  
me talk.Ah yes. We have discovered an unidentified object in Tokyo-3's  
sewer system."  
  
"Is it a Jelly?" Asuka asked.  
"Yes. And you, using the Evangelions, must attack it."  
  
"But how will the Evas fit inside the sewer system?" Shinji  
asked.  
  
"That is where our new Evangelions step in. Children, I would  
like you to meet," Gendo pressed a green button and a screen with an  
image of Barney came down from the ceiling, ".whoops.wrong channel."  
Gendo pressed another button and another image came on, "FUN SIZE  
EVA!"  
  
"Fun Size Eva?" the Pilots said.  
"Fun Size Eva," Gendo said. "They are less than half the size of a regular Evangelion, but they will work exactly the same."  
  
"Does that mean that.mine will eat.the Jelly?" Shinji whimpered.  
  
"Possibly. But hey, at least it's something close to food. In a few minutes, you will be in your Fun Size Evas. You don't have to bother putting on the plugsuits today. They'll do nothing for you."  
  
"But I thought they helped you synchronize with your Eva," Rei said.  
  
"No. They do nothing for you."  
"Then why do we wear them?" Shinji asked.  
  
"To look hip and stylish. We don't want our Pilots dressed up like dorks, now do we?" The Pilots remained silent. "Now, go to your Evas."  
  
They stood up and left. When Gendo was positive that nobody was around, he took off his right glove to reveal a hand with two painted nails and the rest.er..unpainted. "Now to finish that manicure!" Gendo giggled.  
  
The three pilots walked to their Fun Size Evas. "Dr. Akagi, what are these?" Asuka asked, her eyes widening with fear. The Fun Size Evas were smiling.  
"These are your 'Fun Size Evas'. You will use them in order to fight  
the jellies," Ritsuko answered. "Anymore questions concerning the Evas?" Shinji raised his hand. "Yes?"  
"What do you see in my father? Did you know he's a cross dresser?" he  
asked.  
  
"I said concerning the Evas, Shinji." Ritsuko glared. Gendo's a cross  
dresser, eh? Well, he's not getting any love from me.  
  
Shinji was entering the sewer. Man it stinks here! he thought. Asuka came after him and then Rei. The Pilots looked around. They didn't see any traces of evil radioactive jelly.  
"Maybe they're outside, on top of us," Rei said.  
  
"I don't think they are. We would have seen them. Plus Misato told us  
to go to the sewer," Shinji said.  
"I don't know about you, but I'm going to contact her now," said  
Asuka.  
  
"You won't reach her. Everyone is out," said Shinji.  
  
"WHAT?! WE'RE STUCK HERE ALONE?!"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"WHY THOSE (a bunch of German swear words)!"  
  
"I think I smell something," Rei said. "It smells like.strawberry  
jelly."  
  
"Strawberry jelly?! You're joking, right? I'm allergic to strawberry  
jelly! It gives me really bad rash!"  
  
"It's strawberry jelly alright."  
  
"NO!!!!!!"  
  
"Wait I see something!" exclaimed Shinji. Out of the dark came a giant red blob. "Everyone, get ready to fire!" The three Evas started shooting the red blob with the special peanut butter bullets Dr. Akagi and the deli down the street had made for them.  
  
"DIE STRAWBERRY JELLY! DIE!!!!" Asuka exclaimed. Then she screamed. "AH!!!! OH MY GOD! I'M GETTING A RASH! Oh no, what will people think? Nobody would think I'm pretty anymore! Oh why me?!"  
"Serves you right," Shinji mumbled.  
  
"Eh? What was that?"  
  
"The Jelly! It's advancing!" yelled Rei. The Evas started shooting again. After three shots, the Jelly stopped moving.  
  
"It's dead?" Asuka asked herself. "It's dead?! It's dead! HURRAY! IT'S DEAD!" But then the rash on Asuka's arms started to spread up to her shoulders, to her neck, and then.to her face. She let out a bone-chilling scream.  
  
That's all for now, and remember, if something goes wrong, blame it on what I ate for lunch. Today, it was sushi. But before I leave you, I need to ask a question: If you were to pair up Rei with somebody, would you pair her up with  
  
1) Kaworu 2) A Mystery Person That I Will Choose For Her {Not Shinji}. Please tell me when you review. Thanks! ^_^ 


	4. The Rashy Switcheroo

::::::::::::::::::Disclaimer:::::::::::::::::: Don't own it. Never will. But I do own Toji as he is my slave. So ha! Oh, and I don't own _Austin Powers_.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to all my reviewers and sorry for making everyone wait so long! Life's been hectic and then there's this writer's block...won't get into details. Too gruesome. And thanks to everyone who has helped me with the fic. And in the tradition of blaming food for my wackiness, I blame Haagen-Dazs ice cream. Please tell me what you think of my story and please, nothing too fiery. I'm afraid my house might burn down and then I'll have nowhere to live. :'(

Now onto the fourth part of the insane story called "Evanjelly"!

::::Neon Genesis Evanjelly:::::The Rashy Switcheroo:::::

"Dr. Akagi, when will that rash go away?" Asuka asked.  
"Well Asuka, according to my analysis of your rash, it should take about a week or so, due to the amount of jelly and amount of exposure," Ritsuko answered.

"You're joking right?"

"No. I am being 100% honest."  
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Asuka screamed, so loud that her words were heard all over NERV Headquarters.

"Asuka, calm down, it's only a rash!" Shinji said nervously.

"Just a rash? JUST A RASH?! It's all over me, this...this...."  
"Rash?" Dr. Akagi suggested.

"I was looking for another word but fine. Yes, this rash! It's ruining my look and nobody's going to like me anymore!" 

Shinji sighed. "That's all you care about, right, Asuka? Your looks and what others think of you."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

"Is so true."

"BE QUIET!"

"You know it's true."  
"SHUT UP!" Asuka smacked Shinji.  
"OW! THAT'S THE SECOND TIME TODAY, YOU--"  
"Enough! Both of you!" Misato broke in right before Shinji was about to say some rude word. Poor Shinji, he never gets to curse. SUFFER! Ahem, anyway…

"He started it!" Asuka pointed at Shinji.

"Me? You're the one obsessing over that stupid rash of yours! Just put on some of your make up, Asuka. It works well when you use it to cover up that really ugly face of yours!"  
Asuka gasped. "Oh, you didn't!"  
"I so did!"  
Misato sighed. "Ai, when is this going to end?"

"Give them about thirty minutes," Ritsuko said, handing Misato a cup of freshly brewed coffee. 

Thirty minutes later, when Asuka and Shinji ran out of energy, Misato announced, "Kids, we're going home!" The pilots followed Misato without a fight.

The car ride home was silent. Shinji glanced over at Asuka. _She's looks really sad. Sad eyes…she has them. Ugh, who am I kidding?! She's a superficial egomaniac! Maybe having this rash will teach her a lesson_

Shinji felt the car stop and got out. When the three of them got to the apartment, Asuka went straight to her room. Asuka acted like this the rest of the day.

When Misato called Asuka for dinner, Asuka yelled at her, saying she didn't want to eat, as it would probably give her something else bad to add on to the rash.

"I'm starting to get worried about her," Misato said, staring at her plate onthe table.

"I wouldn't waste my time if I were you," Shinji said after swallowing.

"Shinji, I know you and Asuka don't get along too well--"

"No, I mean it's nothing. She's just being the stupid girl she is by obsessing over something she can cover up with make up. And it's going to be gone soon anyway!"

__

"Shinji! Can I speak? Okay, I know you and Asuka don't get along too well--"  
"Damn straight-- "

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?!" Misato screamed, her face turning red. A terrified Shinji quickly nodded his head. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I know that you and Asuka aren't too friendly with each other, but please try to understand her plight. She's a teenage girl in a society that demands perfection of all kinds. This is really hard on her." (A/N: "a society that demands perfection", _Austin Powers_) 

"Yeah, whatever. I'm going to go watch TV till I drop," Shinji said, getting up and putting his dish in the sink.

Next morning was a hectic one. It consisted of Shinji trying to it his breakfast in peace and Misato trying to pull a screaming Asuka out of her bed.

"I don't want to go to school! I can't!" Asuka cried.

"Oh yes you can!" Misato said. "You can and you will!"

Twenty minutes later, Misato dragged Asuka to the kitchen. 

"Don't say anything," Asuka said to Shinji.

Shinji looked up at Asuka's face. She still had the rash. "You didn't use any make up to cover it?"

__

"We tried, but the make up just made it look worse. Don't worry, Asuka, it'll be gone soon," Misato said.

"UGH! I HATE MY LIFE!"   
"Oh god, not another one of those!" Shinji exclaimed, exasperated. 

Somehow, Asuka and Shinji managed to make it to homeroom safely. Shinji walked into the room and sat down next to Kensuke. Rei was sitting at her desk already, staring out the window. When Asuka walked into the room, everyone gasped. 

Hikari Horaki, everyone's favorite Class Rep, ran up to Asuka. "Oh my god, Asuka! Like what happened to your face?"  
Asuka fixed her eyes on the floor. "I-it's a rash. I got it whilst fighting, I mean…"  
"Oh whatever! It's a rash and it's really gross. Asuka, I'm sorry, but I can't be seen hanging out with a gross looking and obviously now unpopular person like you." Hikari looked around and her eyes landed on Rei. She walked up to Rei. "Hi there!"

Rei slowly turned to Hikari. "…Hello…"

"Hey, Rei, how ya been? Anyway, I'm here to tell you that you are now popular and that you are now my best friend!"

Rei blinked. "Are you serious?"

Hikari nodded. "Yup, and I've got two tickets to Bull's-eye's Saturday performance at the Crystal Phoenix. It's at 7 PM. Can you make it?"

__

"Of course!" Rei smiled.

Asuka's eyes widened. Her best friend traded her in for someone else because she had a rash and wash now taking that person to the hottest spot in town, to see the hottest band in the world. She felt tears forming in her eyes and ran to the girl's bathroom.

Asuka sat on the windowsill and let the tears run down. Then a thought came into her mind.   
"Yes," she said to herself, smiling. "Asuka will get her revenge."  



End file.
